True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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