Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
do nipples grow back?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
