I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
