and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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