I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
