u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
