I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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