"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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