everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
