Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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