Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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