"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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