Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize