my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
