Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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