A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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