And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A+ Viking dick
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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