moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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