oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
