all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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