i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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