someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
