She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
