I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize