I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
