I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
