Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
