The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
