i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
