maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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