Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
