On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize