I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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