I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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