I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
