Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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