I should be sponsored by Trojan
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize