Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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