It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
