Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
