So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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