We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
