true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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