So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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