I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
last night I used snow as a chaser
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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