I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
