also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Randomize
