Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
