It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
