I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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