I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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