Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
