I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize