I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
