1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
