she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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