Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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